get me....

I'm so excited about learning guitar. I'm not actually any good at it (in fact in our class of beginners I am already the one who struggles the most!), but suddenly I am getting a sense of achievement which I haven't felt in a while.

Shame I'm not really doing anything about my dissertation.

holy is the Lord

GOD spoke to Moses: "Speak to the People of Israel; tell them, If any of you, man or woman, wants to make a special Nazirite vow, consecrating yourself totally to GOD, you must not drink any wine or beer, no intoxicating drink of any kind, not even the juice of grapes--in fact, you must not even eat grapes or raisins. For the duration of the consecration, nothing from the grapevine--not even the seeds, not even the skin--may be eaten.

"Also, for the duration of the consecration you must not have your hair cut. Your long hair will be a continuing sign of holy separation to GOD.

"Also, for the duration of the consecration to GOD, you must not go near a corpse. Even if it's the body of your father or mother, brother or sister, you must not ritually defile yourself because the sign of consecration to God is on your head.

"For the entire duration of your consecration you are holy to GOD."

[...]

"These are the instructions for Nazirites as they bring offerings to GOD in their vow of consecration, beyond their other offerings. They must carry out the vow they have vowed following the instructions for the Nazirite."

Numbers 6:1-8 & 21

I guess I've really had this on my mind recently. I stumbled over it a few weeks ago and it's kind of been turning over in my mind. There's something amazing about a whole bunch of people, who already have enough trust in the Lord to lead them out of Egypt, sitting in the desert (literally the wilderness, with nothing at all that they own or any comforts) and deciding to make a vow to God, to separate themselves from all the human preoccupations and really seek Him out for a certain period of time. It takes discipline and a desire to say "I'm all Yours God. Everyday that's true. But just so I remember that I'm going to take this vow that is fully and absolutely about You. I want to be holy onto You".

So what would it take for me to make a Nazirite vow? Now, in 2006? Things have changed. I'm not literally in the desert, looking for food - but I think spiritually I've been there.

What would I have to give up? What would I have to let go of? What would I need to start doing? What bits of my life are not about pursuing God? Which bits get swept under the carpet?

As far as I can see, there are a few things a Narzarite committed to do.

1. They would choose to make this vow. It wasn't required. But if they had a heart searching for Him and wanted to get to know Him better, then they could take this vow.
2. Separation. It's a big scary word. Taking one's self out of the world and all it's false promises. Being different. Being set apart. Following something else than everyone else.
3. Not indulging in something that could take over. Giving up something. The Israelites gave up alcohol. Something that could be all consuming - something good but also something that could take over life. Instead, they lived a life of fasting, waiting for spiritual drink.
4. An outward sign. The Israelites stopped cutting their hair as an outward sign of their separation.
5. Not making themselves impure by being close to the dead
6. Constant offerings and a promise.

It's a big list. And God was quite clear he didn't want slackers along for the ride. So what would I have to do to take up this vow? Put God first in everything? Let go of the areas of my life where something else is in the way? Tricky. Scary. Separate myself from the ways of the culture that I know, deep down, are not pleasing to Him? Have the courage and conviction to not just "go with the flow"? What sins would I have to stop in order to ensure I kept my heart pure and suitable as a dwelling place? What would I offer to the Lord? What would I bring to His table? Personally, I guess, the outward sign is something that would happen if this other stuff could be got right. I think, if I could do this, then the outward sign would be the better relationship with God and the effect this would have, powerfully, tremendously, wonderfully, on my life.

It's a bit scary though.

numbers

I've cried myself to sleep for the last 160 days.
I have 134 days left in America.

asking the right things

So it's kind of encouraging. I am aware that who I am and how I live my life does stick out sometimes. People wonder where I go on Sundays. People want to know why I have a bible by my bed. People wonder why I'd refuse to share a bed with my boyfriend. These things are not necessarily the most important things about me, but they are some of the most visible things about a different identity that I have.

So these are the things that are often the first things that are noticed and then commented on/questioned. Sometimes these questions lead to a dead end, sometimes the answers offend people ( I can remember Sunita just walking out of the room in disgust when Emma once asked me about church in Bath). Sometimes people are just curious.

I have a new friend called Sam. Apart from being a great guy, he really does seem interested in the whole chrisitan thing. He's making all the right noises, anyway. It's not at any tangible point, but I'm pretty sure he's asking himself questions about who I am. I'm just so scared that I'm going to fluff up really badly in front of him and then he'll dismiss it all.... Ok, that sounds really pretensious. I don't mean it like that. I just think that right now, he's more interested in me than the whole thing behind me, and until he sees the bigger picture, I don't want to screw up badly in front of him so that he misses everything else. Does that make sense?

promised

Ok, so a slightly crazy weekend! Where do I begin?

Thursday night I went to IVCF for the first time this quarter. It was really good actually. All about idols and placing things before God. I am beginning to notice a theme..... But I also realised that not only my relationship with Matthew had got in the way of me and God, but also the lack of the relationship was a problem. God just told me to get that right. Which I tried, and I don't think that what happened was any particular coincidence.

Mid way through Friday night I got the long-awaited email from Matthew. It mostly left me feeling numb but I was also a little aware of the sadness too that he didn't want me back..... yet. His confusion shone through his desires for friendship etc. Rather than getting stressed, I ended up going out with Ruby, Helen and Kate to some random guy's cabin in the Santa Cruz mountains.

After getting back late and talking with Sam and Jenna, I grabbed four hours of rough sleep before getting up super early to go to work for Habitat For Humanity in Santa Cruz. I really felt my heart move through the day - it was so great to actually be doing stuff within the community. I guess that I'm of the opinion that too often in church we have Mission once a year, where we let down the drawbridge and grab a few unsuspecting people to come and join us, knowing that our duty is done for another year. I guess for me, the ultimate form of worship of God is to serve without obligation - even without the obligation to throw a few Bible bombs at every opportunity. It was just really great to get in there and make a difference to the families. I loved the fact that many of the volunteers were in their retirement and a little shaky. Most of them, you could tell, had a background in contstruction and were able to use these skills for the community, even if they had had to stop work. It was just a real inspiration. I decided that I'd love it if the bible study group I am part of could apply some of the things we have learnt about into real life, and go and help out at the site sometime. After we finished, Sally, Sam, Amber, Jenna and I went for a trip to KIVA to relax.

Sunday was a pretty lazy day but I managed to press on a lot with a new scarf I am knitting. I was given a lift to Church and got there earlier than I would have normally, and was immediately adopted by Ruby, Helen and Katie. Before I knew it, I was signed up for the offering and was meeting and greeting at the doors. Suddenly I felt part of everything and also more normal - I like to help out and get stuck in.

The service itself was really interesting and really moved me. We had a chat about money. Hugely condensed, the sermon ran thus:

1. God owns it all
2. We are stewards of it
3. What we do with it is a test of our heart - your check book just can't lie!

I felt really convicted by some of the things in the talk, and really felt growing. It was also really nice because there were more worship songs I recognised this week (mainly Redman/Hughes et al), which I found really helpful. I guess the part of this church I least dig so far is the Worship moments - I'm finding it tricky.

After the service, hung out listening to some lovely music in the coffee house and met tonnes of people, none of whom will I remember next week. Ended up hanging out with Ruby and Helen (who was really cool about Habitat idea) and then joined a big group in going to Saturn. Yum. Finally fell into bed at 2am this morning.

This morning, I wrote an email draft to Matthew. I'm going to spend a couple of days praying/mulling over it. I don't want to be too hasty over it. I don't want to sound upset/angry, but on the otherhand, I am also aware that he has behaved like a jerk and I don't trust him one little bit. I need him to be aware to change. But I really don't want to drive him away. I'm just hoping that God gives me the words.

I know that everything will be better than OK in the end - it's been promised. In the meantime, my growth in God has been unbelievable.

falling facedown

I feel very humble right now.

do we get everything we want?

I want to have all those things, and so, so much more.

However, it rests on two things:

1. Does Matthew want these things?
2. Does God want these things?

car crash

"Ladies and gentlemen, please take note. On your left you will notice that there is currently a car crash happening right before your eyes..."

Can't anyone else see this car crash happening? Can you not see the earth shattering events which are happening right in front of you? This is the end of the world. The end of my world. And I guess that's the problem.

I'm so frustrated when I'm told that I'll move on, or I need something to take my mind off it all (or someone), or that it takes time, or that it's good in the long run. I just want everyone to stop treating this like it's just another up and down, that it's just another episode. I want them all to realise that it isn't meant to be like this. It wasn't meant to work like this, and I don't want to move on. It isn't over yet, and I'm so convinced that there will be a second act - there has to be. I'd love to just move on, to forget and to be happy again, but I can't do that. I don't feel like that. I'd like them all to realise that something, somewhere in the natural order of things, has changed. It's not meant to work like this. And I'm just waiting to wake up.

I know what real love is about. Sometimes I used to wonder when I was bobbing along, day to day. Real love is when you just wish that someone, who has hurt you to the point where you feel like the whole of your insides have been ripped out and you just can't go on , you just wish that they are happy right now. Real love is when you know you'd do anything for them. Real love is when you let yourself get vunrable enough to admit that. This is the kind of love that binds people together for the rest of their lives. This is the kind of love parents lavish on their children. This is the love I have for Matthew. This is a shade of the love that God has for me.

I spend all my moments thinking about him. I want to tell him about my day. I want to hug him. I want to listen to him ramble about Doctor Who. I want to have pointless, circular conversations about the virtues of the new Narnia vs the BBC adaptation. I want him to laugh at me when I roll up my jeans in the rain and refuse to walk on the grass. I want to stand together and worship God. I want to poke him when he is pretending that he is asleep. I want to pretend I know something I don't, just so I can have him look at me with a mixture of curiosity and love, which swiftly changes to laughter when it becomes obvious that I don't really know. I want to go and try to surprise him from work only to find that he's already started towards my house to surprise me. I want to be held in his arms and know that everything is going to be ok. I want to argue about whether it is better to use a garlic crusher or a knife when we are cooking. I want to sit at the computer and learn about photoshop together, getting frustrated when it won't do what we want it to do. I want to try solving sudokus together. I want to both be reading the same book. I want lazy afternoons watching old films I don't really get while eating potato wedges and trying not to get greasy finger marks all over the sofa. I want to browse through record stores, pretending I'm not really enjoying it but secretly I am. I want to try to cook pineapple upsidedown cake and nearly succeed. I want to roll my eyes at his clothing sense but know that secretly, I love it. I want to have endless arguments about being veggie, and I want to pretend to like bacon just to tease. I want to try and learn guitar and piano with him, but give up and kiss him instead. I want to wonder why churches are like they are. I want to draw terrible portraits of each other. I want get little compilation CD's with 80% good music on them. I want him to be sad and for me to hug him tightly. I want to kiss that little patch on his neck. I want to swap silly websites that we've found, while fighting over the mouse. I want him to take over opening the fizzy wine because I'm scared of the corks. I want to write him love letters that I never end up mailing to him, because I tell him anyway. I want him to try to show me magic tricks that didn't work when he was 15 and don't work now. I want him to make up songs about me and play them for me. I want to him talking about "poky cola". I want to have chats with his mum as we dry up where I promise to her that I'll always be there for her son. I want him to hold my hand as we walk down the street. I want to sew up the hole in his jeans only for him to rip them open again 5 minutes later. I want to turn up late to his house every time I go there. I want to say "wag" plantitively. I want to try to teach him to knit. I want to be scared by his driving. I want to open my door and find valentines cakes and then have to keep quiet about the fact that his present never turned up. I want to look into his eyes and see myself there. I want to drive in my car with him beside me rolling his eyes at my music tapes. I want to push his hair off his face in the most endearing way possible. I want him and his brother to gang up and make fun of me. I want him to look up and me to know that he's thinking about the cake in the kitchen. I want to pretend that I'm listening to my music loudly so that my parents let him into the house and then for him to walk into my room. I want to buy him a present and then tell him that I've done that, because I can't keep secrets, and then keep asking him if he wants to know what it is. I want to try to stop him from reading my diary. I want to trace the scar on his hand. I want to go to gigs and not be scared because he's there trying to teach me rhythm by tapping my hand in his. I want to watch him trying to barbecue barefoot. I want him to hold me for hours. I want to pray with him. I want to call him up to talk about nothing for three hours. I want to kiss him and feel like it's never going to end.

But there are other things that I want that haven't happened. I want play in the snow with him. I want to spend Christmas day with him. I want to go on holiday with him. I want to send him little letters, and know that there'll be one waiting for me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me he loves me. I want to face our last year in university together. I want to go to CU with him. I want to play a game of flying demon with him where he beats me. I want to be there when he needs me. I want to tell him honestly how I feel about him. I want to stop playing silly games because I am scared of how I feel. I want him to apologise. I want to apologise. I want him to drop by my house and hold me in his arms. I want him to say I love you. I want to be first -best, not second best. I want to go to Jen and Alex's wedding with him. I want him to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. I want him to trust me. I want to marry him. I want to lie in his arms in my garden. I want to share the news of a promotion with him. I want to sleep with him. I want to have a home together. I want to wake up beside him, looking into his eyes. I want to be able to predict what he wants for breakfast. I want to have children with him. I want him to be there when I give birth. I want to grow old together. I want to go to Italy with him. I want to pretend I still know some French when he asks me. I want to graduate together. I want to plant a church together. I want to say I've figured all of this out. I want to love him. I want to say sorry for the way I've treated him. I want to tell him that he's hurt me so much. I want him to call me up tonight. I want to tell him I forgive him and ask for him to forgive me. I want this to be a God thing, from beginning to the end. I want to have my love returned.

fuzzy bubbles

So today, in keeping with my plan to do something I have never done each day, I had my first guitar lesson - scary! I had to go downtown to get a guitar this afternoon, which was an experience. I thought I was going to buy a super cheap one since there's one at home I can use, so I can just sell it on. However, I was aware that I might not keep up with these lessons, and I didn't really want to buy one if it was just going to sit in my room. Fortunately, I had walked into a music shop which did rentals, and in 20 minutes walked out with a shiny new blue guitar. I had also, coincidently, met my new teacher. The class itself was fun. I was totally expecting it to be horrible, but unlike when Matthew or Hugh had tried to teach me, I actually understood what was going on this time around.

I just really hope this inspiration continues. Guitar, Spanish, gym, rock climbing - where will these new things end? So often I enjoy the idea that I could do these things, but somewhere along the line, I seem to forget about them. It's really frustrating and I wish I had more staying power. Having said that, things have changed since Matthew dumped me. I guess my routines were so often built around him. The first thing I have really had any staying power in recently is a daily bible study and "God time". It feels quite natural now having been doing in the 40 days since he broke up with me. It's almost as if it has replaced all those late night phone calls and endless coordination between us. Keeping busy with lots of things in order to try to fill this void within me.

I really feel like I am walking around in a fuzzy bubble at the moment. Everything seems so out of focus, as if I am seeing everything through a glass of water. All sound seems to be slowed down and as if it is coming through a voice distorter. Nothing feels real, solid or dependable - the only times I really feel alive is when I am in prayer or crying. I have pretty much cried solidly for the last 6 weeks. I'm broken in half and really struggling.

I am just hoping that it will all sort itself out. I still think about him all the time. I still love him.

You are good, you are good, and your love endures. Lord, I just pray that your glory shines around and that I will fall facedown.

a little poke...

Wow. I'm always amazed when something like the last few weeks happen. A couple of weeks ago I had this tiny little feeling about how God was working in my life. I began to realise the way in which he was removing anything that could come between Him and I. Over this last week this plan has been more fully realised and everywhere I turn I am reminded of it. God is very good at making little neon arrows to make a point.

Last night was one of these arrows, a little poke in the direction. I was running to church and I was late. I actually ended up just missing the bus and so had to stand in the cold for half an hour, meaning that I then missed route 69 bus that I have to take from the Metro station to get to church. Once I got to the Metro station, the next bus took forever to leave, as they had to load two wheel chairs on board. All this time, I was getting more and more frustrated. I love this church, and right now, it's the only thing I have to hold onto. I really hate sitting alone as I think churches can be one of the most lonely places in the world, just because it seems like everyone else knows each other so well. Anyway, I sat there stressing about how much of the worship I was missing and how annoyed with myself I was. And then there was this realisation. I was listening to some God music on my ipod, and I realised that there was nothing I could do. The best thing I could do would be to sit back and worship there at the back of the bus, since I didn't need to be in a church to worship. And I just felt God say, "in my own time..."

Which was super appropriate actually, because I rolled in 35 mins late to church and they were just starting to preach on the subject of Time. They are running a series called Wholly Yours, about stewarding things that belong to God. And they were talking all about time and how we manage it, and whether we really live it in a God inspired way, and how we divide up our time to our commitments. And then he was talking about these commitments and how sometimes, in order to fit in what we need, we need to reorder our priorities in life. And then I was just hit with it. It was just God underlining what I've been learning this week. My priorities have been reordered because I was only left with one priority. Now that there are other priorities being added in, I need to choose where these things fit in around God.

Feeling really unsettled by this revelation, we then went back to worship. Normally I'm too nervous to get up and go to the "Prayer Cove" because it is a step into the unknown. But there are those moments where it all just happens. One moment you are standing there thinking "I don't want to move" and then the next moment your legs are moving. And then you are thinking "but I don't want to go to the Prayer Cove" and the next thing you know, you are there and your voice is asking for prayer. God can be very persistent. I guess I am really scared that, as horrible things are right now, I have learnt to much about God. I want to keep hold of these things, even when my life starts to fill up again. I want God to remain my number one priority.

So I really started to feel like God is teaching me now. I really started to feel like I fit into this church. Helen and I had this cool conversation about Soul Survivor Watford, and suddenly I just felt like God was giving me more affirmation that this is where I need to be right now.

In other parts of my life, I feel so up and down. Matthew hasn't called, hasn't emailed or messaged me. I begin to wonder if he ever really felt anything at all. Maybe he was right, and I did want him to be someone he wasn't - I can't decide if what's happened recently is just the result of a personality transplant or whether he was actually always like this. In which case, I was in love with someone else. I'm thinking about him non stop and last night every dream was a nightmare about him.

I wonder about these things sometimes. I never really understood what people said about "women's intuition". However, over the last few weeks, I have really got it. Something will pop into my head, something completely random, and I will just know that it is right. It's really odd. I've never known anything like it before. It has happened time and time again through this whole Matthew thing, to the point last night that I just felt like I was going to see Matthew again. Literally 5 seconds later, he signs into AIM, and, although he doesn't talk to me, it was so strange. It's dangerous, because then I wonder if I am right when I think we will get back together.

I've had some really great friends recently. Gemma, from my university at home, has been really supportive. I wonder how much is motivated by a sense of drama, but then I am cross with myself. I know I've always made it hard for people to get to know me, so this whole "I'm being open and honest with you" thing is a little difficult. Other people have been great too. Sam has been so patient listening to me ramble about it all, and I've enjoyed starting to get to know Amber. Although we (Amber, Sam and I) are coming from very different places, I still enjoy hanging out with them and am really grateful for their patience.

It's Martin Luther King day, so no classes, but I really should get on with some of the work I have to do before it is all too late!

amazing grace

On the bus tonight, as we were rumbling along back up to campus after rock climbing, I tuned into a conversation between Sam and Jenna. Sam was talking about "a song we always sing at new year - it's the most depressing song ever". When Jenna enquired what the song was, he replied that it was Amazing Grace. What then followed was a big argument about whether he actually was getting confused about Auld Lang Syne or not.

I interrupted. "What do you mean by calling it depressing?", I asked.

"Oh, it's the line about 'America saved a wretch like me'".

Once the hilarity had calmed over the idea that America really does consider itself God and capable of saving the word, I did think about it seriously. For me, Amazing Grace is about as happy as it gets. What can be more amazing than being redeemed, of being given such a birthright? Surely humanity is wretched - just look at the news tonight. I can't think of many more joyful things than the promise we are given and the grace we have received! I know that too often I am too quick to dismiss older hymns in favour of newer worship songs, but sometimes the classics just hit to the root of the matter.

I love this version of Amazing Grace, called Joy Is In This Place by Tim Hughes:

Dance, dance, everybody dance
Everybody sing, for joy is in this place now
(Repeat x 4)

Everybody dance now

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
To save a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see

Dance, dance, everybody dance
Everybody sing, for joy is in this place now
(Repeat)

Joy is in this place now

Amazing grace…

Shout, shout everybody shout
Everybody sing, for joy is in this place now

forever you are faithful

Yeah, God has been so good in these last few weeks. Not only have I realised that He's not going to dump me any time soon, unlike a human relationship, his love doesn't depend on anything. The love that enabled such a gift of grace does not depend on what music I like, or what country I'm in, or how many friends I have, or how much fun I am to be around. I might love Jeremy, but there's always the chance that Jeremy might decide he doesn't love me. God isn't like that. It was this realisation that set me up for the next few weeks. God isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

It's about more than that too. Losing a long-term boyfriend has just been part of this quarter. Slowly everything ebbed away. Moving to a new country, with a new culture, language and pattern really was a shock. Leaving my home university, my family, my church, my friends and my clubs was tough, and I struggled to find friends here, and my attempts at church hunting were, quite frankly, pathetic. I've been out of money this year and my mental health has taken a hit. My parents moved from the house and the city I grew up in away to the rural countryside. The classes I am taking in America are so very different and in some ways, harder. Losing my boyfriend of four years, the guy I thought I was going to marry, just seems like the icing on the cake. But the amazing thing is, even though it's been really tough and I'm hating every moment of it, I'm just so incredibly blessed.

I realised I had been left with nothing at all - nothing left of the life that I had been leading very comfortably, thank you very much. Except one thing.... God. In these moments of wilderness, there has been nothing apart from Him holding me. All that has kept me functioning is Him.

I believe that God has a plan. And for a while, I was so mad at Him. Why was this happening to me? What had I done to deserve this? I felt like Job, questioning God rather than trusting. But then I started to see what was going on in my life. God had removed every single thing that could possibly come between Him and me. All of those things could become a higher priority to me than He was, and He was teaching me about priorities. When you are left with nothing, you just have to trust and depend on him, singing praises throughout.

Time and time again over the last few weeks I have been reminded that God is a jealous God and there just isn't space at the top of my list for two things. My life is so tenatively being reconstructed now (rather like weaning a baby onto solids) but it is happening. And the most important thing is that it is being rebuilt around God.

Thank you Jesus.

yesterday, today and forever

I don't think I've felt this drained in a long time. I can't stop thinking about it all. I sit in my lectures in a daze just with him in my head. Right now, I'd give anything to not feel like this, to not love him like I do. I'd feel so much better if I could just feel like it was wrong. I'd still be upset and sad, but I'd know that it was meant to end then. As it is, I'm so very convinced that it was just right. It was right and I can't seem to let go of that. I was honestly convinced that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I think he thought that way too. And I worry about him. I wonder if he's ok. And I wonder if he ever thinks about me.

It's funny, the way people behave towards me at the moment. There are so many people who think that the remedy that I need right now is to go out to some bar and pick up a random guy for some meaningless sex. Obviously, these are people who don't know me that well. I can't think of anything that is going to help me less. Then there are the very well-meaning people who give those old cliches like "don't worry, plenty more fish in the sea" and "you need someone who deserves you". I don't have the heart to tell them that these sentiments are about as helpful as meaningless sex....

Still, there has been some amazing things that has come out of the last few weeks. God has been good, so good, that I just have to weep. One of my first realisations this Christmas was that one thing can be sure, God's not going to dump me for some girl from central Illinois. Yesterday, today and forever. It's a pretty amazing promise.

best laid plans....

This quarter was going to be great. I was going to be on top of all of my reading, (in fact, I was going to be ahead of myself), I was going to be organised and keep it together, while meaning to do lots of extra-curricular activities too. It was going to be so very together and, well, tight.

But somewhere between getting all of those coloured folders, making the wall planner, sorting out my desk, refining the filing method on my Mac and sharpening pencils, term started and classes crept up on me from nowhere. I've looked up and suddenly I'm a week behind on all that reading that I promised myself I was going to do. In fact, I'm already at that point where I am left wondering what to do - if I try to catch up with this week's reading, I will be behind with next week and end up looking even more stupid in section than I did today....

So what else have I spent my time doing?

Well, mostly moping to be honest. And developing certain stalkerish tendencies too, which is a bad place to be in. Even in this state, I can tell that. I'm waiting for him to call, to email, for him to wake me up from this bad dream and tell me it was all a joke.... And it all just seems to point in one direction. Did he ever really feel a shade of what I felt? How can you tell if someone feels the same way about you? Was it just a big joke? Can someone walk out of your life having made such a big footprint and then suggest that he only ever tiptoed across your heart?

new year, new idea

So here I am. Standing in 2006. Everything about this is new and unknown, yet so fully grounded in 2005 that it's just plain scary.

New blog, huh? Just something else to not keep up with, right? Along comes another New Year Resoultion, and another set of journals to rot in the back mists of the internet. Well, hopefully that won't be this time. I'm already digging Blogger more than Livejournal...

So, some introductions then. I'm a Christian. Don't let that scare you off. I'm strong-willed and independant (don't let that scare you either). I'm currently in exile and am a keen lover of music that makes me want to dance. I like to knit, I like to write and I like to think I'm really tidy (except I'm not). My favourite food is aubergine. I guess that is enough getting to know you stuff to fill up that first horrible "I've just started a new blog" entry.

Nice to meet you.