nope

It's not over. I don't want to let go. I don't want anyone else.

dark places

I think I am becoming insane.


"Loving someone is the most dangerous thing you can do"
--Words of wisdom from Maxwell

honesty is good

I'm generally, as a rule, not someone who feels comfortable sharing myself with people. I like to be this strong, independant person, someone who doesn't show how affected they are by other people - someone who doesn't show when she hurts, but often doesn't show when things make her happy either. Like a bubble around me, I use it to protect me. And sometimes this bubble puts people off. I come over as standoffish, or separate.

But I've been realising how wonderful, and humbling, it can be to be honest with people sometimes. Not in an "overshare" way, but just being. Saying "this is me, here's where I am". It's rather beautiful actually. You make yourself so very vulnerable, but I guess opening up sometimes means you can let people in.

handle with care

Once upon a time I thought people were invincible. I just assumed that this was how people were, and I took it for granted - it was so true that I never questioned it. This was a time of innocence and self-belief, that people had to be a total of more than who they were. Sure, we are influenced by others, but something in our own innate natures, something inside of us, would always total more than the sum of interactions with others. I would always bounce back from the way people treated me, that my sense of self would always mean that the outer world would not, could not, affect me and that I would be able to move through life in my own way.

If anything, the last few months have taught me something very different. My realisation was that, no matter how much we pretend, we are not invincible. There are no shields and armour to wear, just a selection of weapons that we all walk around with and use daily on each other. People are fragile. We are as fragile as glass and it is not difficult to shatter the very being of a person. As we walk around we impact on the people around us, leaving invisible footprints and finger marks over the lives of others, creating filmy gauzes over their perspectives on life. It is easy to break people - far, far too easy, and we don't normally notice when we have done this. And sometimes those battle wounds heal, but the scars stay as a constant reminder of the hurt we inflict on each other.

People are fragile and need to be handled with care.

We all wander around holding the signs on which we have written "handle with care". We long for people to understand them - mostly, we think everyone should be able to read them and understand them. But I realise that sometimes they aren't clear enough - the letters are too small, or unclear, or we can't read the language. Sometimes we are embarrassed about the sign that we carry and try to hide it. Whatever happens, people don't see it and then we get broken.

I can feel myself fragmenting into pieces. Once there was a little girl who seemed like a whole person. Now all I can see is these different parts of myself scattered about, with no sense of cohesion. I am broken and, like some brittle plastic toy, I am not sure how to fix it - even if I wanted to be fixed. For that is my question right now. Do I really want to go back to that multitude of selves? Do I want to be involved with other people? I don't want to be broken and I don't want to be imprinted. It's not necessarily the big life events that crack us, but the small, seemingly insignificant ones - the ones we don't notice until later on.

When I meet other people, I feel like I give away part of my self that I can never get back. And part of the reason I am struggling so much right now is that I feel like I gave so much of myself to the boy. He took those parts of me that I offered to him, and now, far from me, he holds them - probably unknowingly. I am left with this shell that once was a person, with scattered fragments that haunt my existence and my dreams.

Poor little girl. I wish she had never grown up. She would have never known what it felt like to feel herself splintering into pieces and her sense of self die.

tomorrow

I'm exhausted. I'm sleeping the most rediculous amounts at the moment. I'm just wading through everything, telling myself that if I can just make it through..... through to when? End of the quarter? End of the week? End of the day? None of these really matter, because in the end there's still tomorrow... and an endless set of tomorrows streching out into eternity. It seems endless and pretty pointless really. Getting through the day seems a little pointless when you know that you'll only have to do the same again tomorrow, and the day after that. It just seems so very empty to be living an existance to be got through.

It's been cold, wet and rather stormy of late here. But tonight I stood on my balcony and looked at the trees which were swaying in the high wind and realised what I missed - with redwoods you miss out on that beautiful sound of the trees rippling in the wind, when the gusts rip through the leaves and you get the most lovely percussion.

I miss the boy a lot tonight. I miss his arms around me. I miss looking into his eyes.

i like naps...

What a busy old week... absoultely exhausting. Papers, exams and deadlines have abounded, yet I've had a rough old time - I wake up in the morning, manage to make it out of bed, make breakfast or say hi to my housemates, and get so tired that I have to get back into bed and sleep for another two hours.

I feel a little bit like a shell.

I'm kinda worried about one of my housemates. She's just breaking up with her fiance and having a hard time with school work, and lost her dad last summer. It's so tough. I don't know how to make it better for her.

strong

I feel like I'm holding everyone around me up right now. They need me to keep going. But I can't tell them how I feel, how I really have no idea. I can't tell them all anything - I just have to be advice giving, always there, together....

saturday again

I just wish it all had been so very different. I love him so very much and I want him back. I could really do with a Matthew hug today. I just don't see how it can ever get better. I don't know if I can ever stop feeling like this.

falling to pieces

Everything around me just seems to be falling to pieces before my very eyes right now. Everything I thought I could grip on to is sliding away. I thought I had a sort of working knowledge of the world and the way it and people worked but it's become so obvious that I don't. I can't see how I can re-map all of these things that I have learnt since I was a very little girl. I don't know how I can survive without the boy. I just don't know how to keep going.

I just don't know.