fuzzy bubbles

So today, in keeping with my plan to do something I have never done each day, I had my first guitar lesson - scary! I had to go downtown to get a guitar this afternoon, which was an experience. I thought I was going to buy a super cheap one since there's one at home I can use, so I can just sell it on. However, I was aware that I might not keep up with these lessons, and I didn't really want to buy one if it was just going to sit in my room. Fortunately, I had walked into a music shop which did rentals, and in 20 minutes walked out with a shiny new blue guitar. I had also, coincidently, met my new teacher. The class itself was fun. I was totally expecting it to be horrible, but unlike when Matthew or Hugh had tried to teach me, I actually understood what was going on this time around.

I just really hope this inspiration continues. Guitar, Spanish, gym, rock climbing - where will these new things end? So often I enjoy the idea that I could do these things, but somewhere along the line, I seem to forget about them. It's really frustrating and I wish I had more staying power. Having said that, things have changed since Matthew dumped me. I guess my routines were so often built around him. The first thing I have really had any staying power in recently is a daily bible study and "God time". It feels quite natural now having been doing in the 40 days since he broke up with me. It's almost as if it has replaced all those late night phone calls and endless coordination between us. Keeping busy with lots of things in order to try to fill this void within me.

I really feel like I am walking around in a fuzzy bubble at the moment. Everything seems so out of focus, as if I am seeing everything through a glass of water. All sound seems to be slowed down and as if it is coming through a voice distorter. Nothing feels real, solid or dependable - the only times I really feel alive is when I am in prayer or crying. I have pretty much cried solidly for the last 6 weeks. I'm broken in half and really struggling.

I am just hoping that it will all sort itself out. I still think about him all the time. I still love him.

You are good, you are good, and your love endures. Lord, I just pray that your glory shines around and that I will fall facedown.