promised

Ok, so a slightly crazy weekend! Where do I begin?

Thursday night I went to IVCF for the first time this quarter. It was really good actually. All about idols and placing things before God. I am beginning to notice a theme..... But I also realised that not only my relationship with Matthew had got in the way of me and God, but also the lack of the relationship was a problem. God just told me to get that right. Which I tried, and I don't think that what happened was any particular coincidence.

Mid way through Friday night I got the long-awaited email from Matthew. It mostly left me feeling numb but I was also a little aware of the sadness too that he didn't want me back..... yet. His confusion shone through his desires for friendship etc. Rather than getting stressed, I ended up going out with Ruby, Helen and Kate to some random guy's cabin in the Santa Cruz mountains.

After getting back late and talking with Sam and Jenna, I grabbed four hours of rough sleep before getting up super early to go to work for Habitat For Humanity in Santa Cruz. I really felt my heart move through the day - it was so great to actually be doing stuff within the community. I guess that I'm of the opinion that too often in church we have Mission once a year, where we let down the drawbridge and grab a few unsuspecting people to come and join us, knowing that our duty is done for another year. I guess for me, the ultimate form of worship of God is to serve without obligation - even without the obligation to throw a few Bible bombs at every opportunity. It was just really great to get in there and make a difference to the families. I loved the fact that many of the volunteers were in their retirement and a little shaky. Most of them, you could tell, had a background in contstruction and were able to use these skills for the community, even if they had had to stop work. It was just a real inspiration. I decided that I'd love it if the bible study group I am part of could apply some of the things we have learnt about into real life, and go and help out at the site sometime. After we finished, Sally, Sam, Amber, Jenna and I went for a trip to KIVA to relax.

Sunday was a pretty lazy day but I managed to press on a lot with a new scarf I am knitting. I was given a lift to Church and got there earlier than I would have normally, and was immediately adopted by Ruby, Helen and Katie. Before I knew it, I was signed up for the offering and was meeting and greeting at the doors. Suddenly I felt part of everything and also more normal - I like to help out and get stuck in.

The service itself was really interesting and really moved me. We had a chat about money. Hugely condensed, the sermon ran thus:

1. God owns it all
2. We are stewards of it
3. What we do with it is a test of our heart - your check book just can't lie!

I felt really convicted by some of the things in the talk, and really felt growing. It was also really nice because there were more worship songs I recognised this week (mainly Redman/Hughes et al), which I found really helpful. I guess the part of this church I least dig so far is the Worship moments - I'm finding it tricky.

After the service, hung out listening to some lovely music in the coffee house and met tonnes of people, none of whom will I remember next week. Ended up hanging out with Ruby and Helen (who was really cool about Habitat idea) and then joined a big group in going to Saturn. Yum. Finally fell into bed at 2am this morning.

This morning, I wrote an email draft to Matthew. I'm going to spend a couple of days praying/mulling over it. I don't want to be too hasty over it. I don't want to sound upset/angry, but on the otherhand, I am also aware that he has behaved like a jerk and I don't trust him one little bit. I need him to be aware to change. But I really don't want to drive him away. I'm just hoping that God gives me the words.

I know that everything will be better than OK in the end - it's been promised. In the meantime, my growth in God has been unbelievable.