floating above

My soul cries out in pain. I am lost and confused and wandering in a really dark place. and I breathe in and remember that I am alive, and that this really is it. And then I get frustrated with myself as I realise what a mess I am making.

I find it impossible to see a future. I don't understand how I can make this work. I wonder what will happen to me. It sounds self-pitying, but I don't mean it like that. I just distractedly wonder what will happen to this tired little girl in the rain as I float above her, watching her like I am her mother. I try to think about what I want for this little girl and how her life will turn out, but this is where the soccer mom thing ends. I can't say I see her becoming a doctor and making lots of money. I just don't know what will happen to her. And I wonder what will happen. And I am concerned because I want her to be ok. And happy. And then I am remember that I am talking about me. That's me down there. But I struggle to believe myself.

ho hum

I'm really trying to make everything normal again... but I've forgotton what normal is.

how's it going?

I'm stuck in the past, unable to move on into the future.

New quarter begins today and I realise just how little time I have left here in Santa Cruz.