car crash
"Ladies and gentlemen, please take note. On your left you will notice that there is currently a car crash happening right before your eyes..."
Can't anyone else see this car crash happening? Can you not see the earth shattering events which are happening right in front of you? This is the end of the world. The end of my world. And I guess that's the problem.
I'm so frustrated when I'm told that I'll move on, or I need something to take my mind off it all (or someone), or that it takes time, or that it's good in the long run. I just want everyone to stop treating this like it's just another up and down, that it's just another episode. I want them all to realise that it isn't meant to be like this. It wasn't meant to work like this, and I don't want to move on. It isn't over yet, and I'm so convinced that there will be a second act - there has to be. I'd love to just move on, to forget and to be happy again, but I can't do that. I don't feel like that. I'd like them all to realise that something, somewhere in the natural order of things, has changed. It's not meant to work like this. And I'm just waiting to wake up.
I know what real love is about. Sometimes I used to wonder when I was bobbing along, day to day. Real love is when you just wish that someone, who has hurt you to the point where you feel like the whole of your insides have been ripped out and you just can't go on , you just wish that they are happy right now. Real love is when you know you'd do anything for them. Real love is when you let yourself get vunrable enough to admit that. This is the kind of love that binds people together for the rest of their lives. This is the kind of love parents lavish on their children. This is the love I have for Matthew. This is a shade of the love that God has for me.
I spend all my moments thinking about him. I want to tell him about my day. I want to hug him. I want to listen to him ramble about Doctor Who. I want to have pointless, circular conversations about the virtues of the new Narnia vs the BBC adaptation. I want him to laugh at me when I roll up my jeans in the rain and refuse to walk on the grass. I want to stand together and worship God. I want to poke him when he is pretending that he is asleep. I want to pretend I know something I don't, just so I can have him look at me with a mixture of curiosity and love, which swiftly changes to laughter when it becomes obvious that I don't really know. I want to go and try to surprise him from work only to find that he's already started towards my house to surprise me. I want to be held in his arms and know that everything is going to be ok. I want to argue about whether it is better to use a garlic crusher or a knife when we are cooking. I want to sit at the computer and learn about photoshop together, getting frustrated when it won't do what we want it to do. I want to try solving sudokus together. I want to both be reading the same book. I want lazy afternoons watching old films I don't really get while eating potato wedges and trying not to get greasy finger marks all over the sofa. I want to browse through record stores, pretending I'm not really enjoying it but secretly I am. I want to try to cook pineapple upsidedown cake and nearly succeed. I want to roll my eyes at his clothing sense but know that secretly, I love it. I want to have endless arguments about being veggie, and I want to pretend to like bacon just to tease. I want to try and learn guitar and piano with him, but give up and kiss him instead. I want to wonder why churches are like they are. I want to draw terrible portraits of each other. I want get little compilation CD's with 80% good music on them. I want him to be sad and for me to hug him tightly. I want to kiss that little patch on his neck. I want to swap silly websites that we've found, while fighting over the mouse. I want him to take over opening the fizzy wine because I'm scared of the corks. I want to write him love letters that I never end up mailing to him, because I tell him anyway. I want him to try to show me magic tricks that didn't work when he was 15 and don't work now. I want him to make up songs about me and play them for me. I want to him talking about "poky cola". I want to have chats with his mum as we dry up where I promise to her that I'll always be there for her son. I want him to hold my hand as we walk down the street. I want to sew up the hole in his jeans only for him to rip them open again 5 minutes later. I want to turn up late to his house every time I go there. I want to say "wag" plantitively. I want to try to teach him to knit. I want to be scared by his driving. I want to open my door and find valentines cakes and then have to keep quiet about the fact that his present never turned up. I want to look into his eyes and see myself there. I want to drive in my car with him beside me rolling his eyes at my music tapes. I want to push his hair off his face in the most endearing way possible. I want him and his brother to gang up and make fun of me. I want him to look up and me to know that he's thinking about the cake in the kitchen. I want to pretend that I'm listening to my music loudly so that my parents let him into the house and then for him to walk into my room. I want to buy him a present and then tell him that I've done that, because I can't keep secrets, and then keep asking him if he wants to know what it is. I want to try to stop him from reading my diary. I want to trace the scar on his hand. I want to go to gigs and not be scared because he's there trying to teach me rhythm by tapping my hand in his. I want to watch him trying to barbecue barefoot. I want him to hold me for hours. I want to pray with him. I want to call him up to talk about nothing for three hours. I want to kiss him and feel like it's never going to end.
But there are other things that I want that haven't happened. I want play in the snow with him. I want to spend Christmas day with him. I want to go on holiday with him. I want to send him little letters, and know that there'll be one waiting for me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me he loves me. I want to face our last year in university together. I want to go to CU with him. I want to play a game of flying demon with him where he beats me. I want to be there when he needs me. I want to tell him honestly how I feel about him. I want to stop playing silly games because I am scared of how I feel. I want him to apologise. I want to apologise. I want him to drop by my house and hold me in his arms. I want him to say I love you. I want to be first -best, not second best. I want to go to Jen and Alex's wedding with him. I want him to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. I want him to trust me. I want to marry him. I want to lie in his arms in my garden. I want to share the news of a promotion with him. I want to sleep with him. I want to have a home together. I want to wake up beside him, looking into his eyes. I want to be able to predict what he wants for breakfast. I want to have children with him. I want him to be there when I give birth. I want to grow old together. I want to go to Italy with him. I want to pretend I still know some French when he asks me. I want to graduate together. I want to plant a church together. I want to say I've figured all of this out. I want to love him. I want to say sorry for the way I've treated him. I want to tell him that he's hurt me so much. I want him to call me up tonight. I want to tell him I forgive him and ask for him to forgive me. I want this to be a God thing, from beginning to the end. I want to have my love returned.
Can't anyone else see this car crash happening? Can you not see the earth shattering events which are happening right in front of you? This is the end of the world. The end of my world. And I guess that's the problem.
I'm so frustrated when I'm told that I'll move on, or I need something to take my mind off it all (or someone), or that it takes time, or that it's good in the long run. I just want everyone to stop treating this like it's just another up and down, that it's just another episode. I want them all to realise that it isn't meant to be like this. It wasn't meant to work like this, and I don't want to move on. It isn't over yet, and I'm so convinced that there will be a second act - there has to be. I'd love to just move on, to forget and to be happy again, but I can't do that. I don't feel like that. I'd like them all to realise that something, somewhere in the natural order of things, has changed. It's not meant to work like this. And I'm just waiting to wake up.
I know what real love is about. Sometimes I used to wonder when I was bobbing along, day to day. Real love is when you just wish that someone, who has hurt you to the point where you feel like the whole of your insides have been ripped out and you just can't go on , you just wish that they are happy right now. Real love is when you know you'd do anything for them. Real love is when you let yourself get vunrable enough to admit that. This is the kind of love that binds people together for the rest of their lives. This is the kind of love parents lavish on their children. This is the love I have for Matthew. This is a shade of the love that God has for me.
I spend all my moments thinking about him. I want to tell him about my day. I want to hug him. I want to listen to him ramble about Doctor Who. I want to have pointless, circular conversations about the virtues of the new Narnia vs the BBC adaptation. I want him to laugh at me when I roll up my jeans in the rain and refuse to walk on the grass. I want to stand together and worship God. I want to poke him when he is pretending that he is asleep. I want to pretend I know something I don't, just so I can have him look at me with a mixture of curiosity and love, which swiftly changes to laughter when it becomes obvious that I don't really know. I want to go and try to surprise him from work only to find that he's already started towards my house to surprise me. I want to be held in his arms and know that everything is going to be ok. I want to argue about whether it is better to use a garlic crusher or a knife when we are cooking. I want to sit at the computer and learn about photoshop together, getting frustrated when it won't do what we want it to do. I want to try solving sudokus together. I want to both be reading the same book. I want lazy afternoons watching old films I don't really get while eating potato wedges and trying not to get greasy finger marks all over the sofa. I want to browse through record stores, pretending I'm not really enjoying it but secretly I am. I want to try to cook pineapple upsidedown cake and nearly succeed. I want to roll my eyes at his clothing sense but know that secretly, I love it. I want to have endless arguments about being veggie, and I want to pretend to like bacon just to tease. I want to try and learn guitar and piano with him, but give up and kiss him instead. I want to wonder why churches are like they are. I want to draw terrible portraits of each other. I want get little compilation CD's with 80% good music on them. I want him to be sad and for me to hug him tightly. I want to kiss that little patch on his neck. I want to swap silly websites that we've found, while fighting over the mouse. I want him to take over opening the fizzy wine because I'm scared of the corks. I want to write him love letters that I never end up mailing to him, because I tell him anyway. I want him to try to show me magic tricks that didn't work when he was 15 and don't work now. I want him to make up songs about me and play them for me. I want to him talking about "poky cola". I want to have chats with his mum as we dry up where I promise to her that I'll always be there for her son. I want him to hold my hand as we walk down the street. I want to sew up the hole in his jeans only for him to rip them open again 5 minutes later. I want to turn up late to his house every time I go there. I want to say "wag" plantitively. I want to try to teach him to knit. I want to be scared by his driving. I want to open my door and find valentines cakes and then have to keep quiet about the fact that his present never turned up. I want to look into his eyes and see myself there. I want to drive in my car with him beside me rolling his eyes at my music tapes. I want to push his hair off his face in the most endearing way possible. I want him and his brother to gang up and make fun of me. I want him to look up and me to know that he's thinking about the cake in the kitchen. I want to pretend that I'm listening to my music loudly so that my parents let him into the house and then for him to walk into my room. I want to buy him a present and then tell him that I've done that, because I can't keep secrets, and then keep asking him if he wants to know what it is. I want to try to stop him from reading my diary. I want to trace the scar on his hand. I want to go to gigs and not be scared because he's there trying to teach me rhythm by tapping my hand in his. I want to watch him trying to barbecue barefoot. I want him to hold me for hours. I want to pray with him. I want to call him up to talk about nothing for three hours. I want to kiss him and feel like it's never going to end.
But there are other things that I want that haven't happened. I want play in the snow with him. I want to spend Christmas day with him. I want to go on holiday with him. I want to send him little letters, and know that there'll be one waiting for me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me he loves me. I want to face our last year in university together. I want to go to CU with him. I want to play a game of flying demon with him where he beats me. I want to be there when he needs me. I want to tell him honestly how I feel about him. I want to stop playing silly games because I am scared of how I feel. I want him to apologise. I want to apologise. I want him to drop by my house and hold me in his arms. I want him to say I love you. I want to be first -best, not second best. I want to go to Jen and Alex's wedding with him. I want him to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. I want him to trust me. I want to marry him. I want to lie in his arms in my garden. I want to share the news of a promotion with him. I want to sleep with him. I want to have a home together. I want to wake up beside him, looking into his eyes. I want to be able to predict what he wants for breakfast. I want to have children with him. I want him to be there when I give birth. I want to grow old together. I want to go to Italy with him. I want to pretend I still know some French when he asks me. I want to graduate together. I want to plant a church together. I want to say I've figured all of this out. I want to love him. I want to say sorry for the way I've treated him. I want to tell him that he's hurt me so much. I want him to call me up tonight. I want to tell him I forgive him and ask for him to forgive me. I want this to be a God thing, from beginning to the end. I want to have my love returned.
posted by Ro at 2:22 PM
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