a little poke...

Wow. I'm always amazed when something like the last few weeks happen. A couple of weeks ago I had this tiny little feeling about how God was working in my life. I began to realise the way in which he was removing anything that could come between Him and I. Over this last week this plan has been more fully realised and everywhere I turn I am reminded of it. God is very good at making little neon arrows to make a point.

Last night was one of these arrows, a little poke in the direction. I was running to church and I was late. I actually ended up just missing the bus and so had to stand in the cold for half an hour, meaning that I then missed route 69 bus that I have to take from the Metro station to get to church. Once I got to the Metro station, the next bus took forever to leave, as they had to load two wheel chairs on board. All this time, I was getting more and more frustrated. I love this church, and right now, it's the only thing I have to hold onto. I really hate sitting alone as I think churches can be one of the most lonely places in the world, just because it seems like everyone else knows each other so well. Anyway, I sat there stressing about how much of the worship I was missing and how annoyed with myself I was. And then there was this realisation. I was listening to some God music on my ipod, and I realised that there was nothing I could do. The best thing I could do would be to sit back and worship there at the back of the bus, since I didn't need to be in a church to worship. And I just felt God say, "in my own time..."

Which was super appropriate actually, because I rolled in 35 mins late to church and they were just starting to preach on the subject of Time. They are running a series called Wholly Yours, about stewarding things that belong to God. And they were talking all about time and how we manage it, and whether we really live it in a God inspired way, and how we divide up our time to our commitments. And then he was talking about these commitments and how sometimes, in order to fit in what we need, we need to reorder our priorities in life. And then I was just hit with it. It was just God underlining what I've been learning this week. My priorities have been reordered because I was only left with one priority. Now that there are other priorities being added in, I need to choose where these things fit in around God.

Feeling really unsettled by this revelation, we then went back to worship. Normally I'm too nervous to get up and go to the "Prayer Cove" because it is a step into the unknown. But there are those moments where it all just happens. One moment you are standing there thinking "I don't want to move" and then the next moment your legs are moving. And then you are thinking "but I don't want to go to the Prayer Cove" and the next thing you know, you are there and your voice is asking for prayer. God can be very persistent. I guess I am really scared that, as horrible things are right now, I have learnt to much about God. I want to keep hold of these things, even when my life starts to fill up again. I want God to remain my number one priority.

So I really started to feel like God is teaching me now. I really started to feel like I fit into this church. Helen and I had this cool conversation about Soul Survivor Watford, and suddenly I just felt like God was giving me more affirmation that this is where I need to be right now.

In other parts of my life, I feel so up and down. Matthew hasn't called, hasn't emailed or messaged me. I begin to wonder if he ever really felt anything at all. Maybe he was right, and I did want him to be someone he wasn't - I can't decide if what's happened recently is just the result of a personality transplant or whether he was actually always like this. In which case, I was in love with someone else. I'm thinking about him non stop and last night every dream was a nightmare about him.

I wonder about these things sometimes. I never really understood what people said about "women's intuition". However, over the last few weeks, I have really got it. Something will pop into my head, something completely random, and I will just know that it is right. It's really odd. I've never known anything like it before. It has happened time and time again through this whole Matthew thing, to the point last night that I just felt like I was going to see Matthew again. Literally 5 seconds later, he signs into AIM, and, although he doesn't talk to me, it was so strange. It's dangerous, because then I wonder if I am right when I think we will get back together.

I've had some really great friends recently. Gemma, from my university at home, has been really supportive. I wonder how much is motivated by a sense of drama, but then I am cross with myself. I know I've always made it hard for people to get to know me, so this whole "I'm being open and honest with you" thing is a little difficult. Other people have been great too. Sam has been so patient listening to me ramble about it all, and I've enjoyed starting to get to know Amber. Although we (Amber, Sam and I) are coming from very different places, I still enjoy hanging out with them and am really grateful for their patience.

It's Martin Luther King day, so no classes, but I really should get on with some of the work I have to do before it is all too late!