back to reality?

I've had a difficult old time recently. It's been a hard few weeks and I think I'm about to fail classes.

So it was really good to get away this weekend and go rafting in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

After such an amazing trip it was really sad to come back and find out about Audrey. She was a great person whose passion was really inspiring. She'll be missed. I can't believe that she's gone. We had such a great time in Mexico building houses.

and with just a few weeks to go....

I realise now how soon it is that I go home. I'm not sure whether I am pleased or terrified at this prospect.

ugh.

overheard

On the bus last night, one guy turns to another and says:

"Are you going abroad this summer? You really should. Go to Spain. Spain is a really happening city. You should go."

Bless those little Americans. They try so very hard! Julia and I nearly cracked up, but had to hold in the giggles until we got to our stop.

bonfire

I think I had fun tonight. We went up the coast and had a bonfire on a beach. It was a full moon, clear skies and a warm night. The ocean was beautiful, company good and, since the beach was outside the city limits, it went on until late and we were able to drink.

Apart from feeling so sad about the boy, it was good. And I look forward to today. I hope.

questions

I was told today that I don't feel anger and that might be a problem. That if I showed anger that I thought I might not be a nice person.

I tried to remember the last time I was angry.

I can't think when it was.


Thanks to Glimpse Of Perection for the photo.

surrounded

All around me, the people who have been experiencing the same things as me are Moving On. I have been surrounded recently by people who are going through difficult breakups or having similar problems as me. And this sisterhood, this pain which unites us, has held me up. I depend on these friendships for my day to day existance. And suddenly, as if the changing of the month has released hormones into the air, these friends are flirting with guys, before slowly getting together with them.

And I feel so inadequate. I've been going for this breakup for weeks now. Months. It's six months since we finished proper, eight months since he said "I love you". And it seems as bad, if not worse, than it did all those days ago, in spite of everyone knowingly telling me :it'll get easier with time". Yeah. Right. Anyway, so many of these people around me have broken up only a month ago, and already they have moved on. What's wrong with me?

I had a tiny thought today. I realised that I enjoy writing. And I wondered if I would like to explore more of this creative writing stuff.

raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens

Last night I finally brought myself to watch a beautiful film. I was hesitating over it because it reminded me of the boy so very much. We watched Dancer in the Dark together, and I used to sob uncontrollably in the safety of the embrace of his arms. I remembered why I loved this movie so very much. What I was surprised at was the lack of any emotion I had. For the first time I sat completely dry-eyed through the movie - me being the girl who would weep when Dumbo's mother died and who hid behind the sofa when the Nazis marched through the town in Sound of Music. I just felt so very numb.

Tonight we watched My Girl (hey, let's not get snotty about films, ok?) and I bawled all the way through. Not because of the film itself, but because I missed the boy very much.... I wonder if he ever even thinks about me anymore, or has he forgotten? I always thought that he loved me as much as I loved him. Anyway, I had to cry silently and quietly because I didn't want my housemates to see me. Ugh.

Sometimes I think I am ok. Other times I wonder.

tears

I haven't cried for a while now. I don't know if that is good or bad.

oppsie

I've made some really big messes and now I feel like I can't get out of them. I'm stuck with a whole lot of problems and I think I really might need to get some help. But I can't get help because it is all so huge. But with every day that passes it just gets worse.

eek. I don't think I've ever managed such a serious mess.

oh, and...

He didn't hug me when he met me downtown. Waiting in the rain, leaning against the lamp post, I could already feel the distance between us. The rain fell. It created a blur and his edges became incomplete, his glasses misted and unseeing. I walked toward him, slowly, taking my time. Weaving in and out of the drunken bums by the Metro Centre, avoiding the same putrid smell from the Chinese restaurant that was always empty. A nervousness started to rise within me, but the wetness was cooling to my face made of stone, cracked in a half-smile. I became aware of nothing else but him, as if a camera honed onto him. All I could focus on was that new, hand-knitted brown scarf, draped defiantly around his neck. Their new life protruding into ours. His white fingers were falteringly pushing their way through the loose weave of the threads. The familiar smell of him that I knew better than my own. A distraught voice inside calling out that it knew what was coming, and my stomach descending on a roller coaster. The roar in my ears became louder. Keep it light, keep it light. He opened his mouth first. I felt my mind slide onto the dirty sidewalk.

This isn't happening. This is all in my head. How did this happen.

I look into his scrunched face. Gravely, and still half in love with me, and tremendously sorry, he meets my eyes.

one hot and sticky night in santa cruz

I haven't been here for a while. My mind has been elsewhere - far, far away. It's been a rough few weeks and I think I'm just about back, knowing more about myself. It makes me stronger but also weaker - I have seen my own human fragility.

Spring and summer have arrived hand in hand, and bringing with them a sense of time slipping away so fast and yet so very slowly. It is the time of year when I never really feel like eating anything apart from home grown lettuce and home made olive dressing with fresh basil on top. It is the time of year when I revel in the colours of the flowers and the smell of freshly cut grass. It is the time of year when my poor white skin ends up with interesting lines criss-crossing my back (tonight I sport a rather interesting pattern of co-centric semi-circles across my shoulders and chest - including the lines from the shell necklace I finished my outfit with today). And I breathe in the air which my face fruitlessly hopes is cooler than the bright sun light of today, and the strains of the guitar song float over me. I lie in bed with my Mac carefully balanced on my knee, while my other leg is thrown across the duvet that was discarded long ago.

And I wait for something to happen.