one crazy day

I did some things today I have never done before. I don't know if I am happy or sad about them.

In my head things get built up to be so very huge. And it's kind of strange when you get around to voicing something and it seems normal to everyone else. There's a sense of "oh. not quite the big deal i thought it was..."

pick and mix

I've had a really difficult weekend. I seem to spending a lot of my time in my bed at the moment. Some days I just can't get out of bed.... I'm behind in my classes and I think I'm going to fail my dissertation class.

In other news, I had another conversation with M, a guy who randomly talks to me online every so often in the most random way possible. It first started at thanksgiving, when he started talking me - turns out he was one of my team during Soul in the City. Since then, he talks to me periodically. He doesn't seem to be the most articulate person (although it's hard to tell on messenger) and has the unfortunate habit of calling me "babes" (ugh, how I hate that!) and scattering "x"s through his conversation. Still he's kind of sweet - until he keeps going on about asking me out for a drink when I get home..... hmmmmmm. This always comes right after I have been moaning about the boy, and how much I love him. M then goes off on this irritating flirting thing. I'm trying to make it clear I'm not interested, but it continues. Every time he talks to me I just wish I had the boy even more, and how much I miss him. On the other hand, it is flattering to have attention (even from someone I don't remember meeting), especially after so long in a relationship and the horrific breakup - I currently feel really unattractive. It's hard with M. because I don't want to lead him on. I don't feel anything for him, my heart right now is in the boy's hands, and leading anyone else on is just mean - to M. and me.

This is the kind of stuff I get from M.:

u know what i'd do if i were u. i think i'd look at all of the good points about being single, and there's loads. No one to tell you what you can or can't do, no one to make you feel guilty about doing what you'd like to do, if your out and a guy makes contact with you, you can take his number, you save loads of money at christmas, and I can take you out for a drink when you get home

The problem is that I don't want you M. I want the boy.

phew

I've just written an email to the boy. I'm waiting on God to find out if I should hit the SEND button.

..........

You are good

God is pretty amazing. Sometimes I just can't help but be in awe of His greatness. It just surprises me so much. Because I am so flawed, so broken and desperate.... and yet He's chosen a relationship with me. That's right, me. The girl with the messy room, who is forgetful, is self-obsessed, greedy, hurtful, angry and downright horrible. The one who turns away from Him all the time. And God, the creator of the universe, who has all of time and space in the palms of His hands, has chosen me. Flawed and broken, I am accepted as I am. I am loved by Him.

This love isn't dependent on who I am or what I do. For His glory, He has chosen little old me. He picks up the most unloveable people and delights in them. Isn't that the most wonderful yet mysterious thing ever?

You are good Lord, and I know Your love endures.

before sunrise

Just to complete the sense of wallowing, I watched Before Sunrise this evening. I love him so much and I miss him terribly.

In so many ways, I just wish that I had none of these feelings.... But I also know that the love I have for him is the sweetest thing I have ever felt in my life and I am glad I feel like this.... even if it is so bitter right now.

It gives me hope as well. Maybe he and I will get back together... in Vienna??

a sunny interlude

In an effort to make myself feel better, I decided to go downtown for breakfast and then a couple of hours of aimless browsing in Streetlight. Clutching my three new CDs, I've come back up to campus ready for Spanish in 20 minutes. I've realised that one of my pet hates are those stupid CD cases. They insist on putting silly stickers along the edge of the case that always, always disintergrate into a million strips of stickyness that seem to get everywhere. But today it was worth it. I have the new shiny Beth Orton album in my possession now. It's a momentus day because this is the first Beth CD I have ever brought.... my three others were given to me by the boy. I'm trying hard not to cry.

exhausted

I'm skipping class right now and I should be feeling naughty.... but I'm not. I'm just not in the mood for class or people.

I've had a rough couple of days with lots of tears.

I'm just so tired of everything. I'm tired of being in love with the boy who doesn't love me. I'm tired of not being with him and hanging out. I'm tired of the stupid email conversations we are having, like two strangers. I'm tired of being sad, upset and missing him so much that I think chest is going to explode. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of crying full stop. I'm tired of not having him here. I'm tired of being so self-obsessed. I'm tired of having "friends" who don't call or email because they "don't know what to say to me". I'm tired of pretending I'm ok and that I'm not thinking of him. I'm tired of obsessing over his blog, MSN, facebook profile, message boards. I'm tired of being a doormat. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of being in California.

I'm just so tired of being so broken. I'm tired of life.

glass box

I just get so frustrated. I'm stuck in this glass box with just me for company. When I try to talk to anyone else they just can't hear me through the wall.

yay for the temple to swedish design!

I bounced for the first time in a long, long time today. It felt like, for a moment, I could see a fragment of my old self glinting in the sunlight. But when I reached for it, it had gone.

Saskia said she was going to San Jose to Target. We ended up in IKEA, and it was fun. Call me shallow, but I like IKEA - I like the sense that you just don't quite know what random things you are going to find! It was also good, because for two hours I could pretend I was in Europe - the only difference being the prices in dollars!

There's something very comforting in knowing that the same ice cube trays you are holding in America are being held by a girl in England, as trite as that might sound.

the boy with the different coloured eyes

He likes to think that he's a Nice Guy. That's his whole personality. He likes to think he never, ever hurts people - he cares about people. He wants everything. He dislikes responsibility - whether it is commitment or for the mess he makes. He's insensitive to the point where he willingly hurts people because he wants to be "honest". Except he doesn't do honestly when it's needed. He's happy to just wait around and use someone until something better comes along. He likes being loved and having the power to use that love to get what he wants. He can't apologise, but just makes self derogatory remarks. He doesn't really know what an apology is.

He finds it difficult to work through tough times, he prefers to give up. He doesn't like compromise - he tries to hold onto power so that he never has to compromise. Part of the reason he is scared of commitment - in a relationship or a friendship - is because he'd have to give up this power and make himself vunrable.

He gets caught up in his own greatness - his pride creeps in to the point where he can't hear anyone else and he is so convinced he is right. He puts himself above others, thinking they are incapable of feeling and knowing that which he does.

He feels guilty but has no understanding why this might be the case. He wants the people he hurts to accept him wholeheartedly again because he can then believe he is still Nice Guy. He has no concept of how to right a situation. He is caught in the middle of a conflict between the person he thinks he is and the way he acts.

He lies. He lies to the people around him, to himself and to God. He likes to think he has it all sorted but he doesn't - but can't admit that. He gets caught up in preaching that he forgets that he needs to listen to himself.

He treats people as if they are worthless. It's about how he feels, right? It's all about him. He thinks he can get what he wants by always having a backup plan, a way out. Keep people hanging on just enough, keep them there, and then if everything falls through, there's always the backup plan, the way out. He never has to be alone this way. He never has to meet himself and work out if he is meeting Nice Guy.

He's a confused little boy with no sense of the inherent worth of other people.




I used to think I knew him. I used to think I knew Nice Guy. But the realisation that you knew someone else all that time, who is actually different to the person in front of you - when it hits you think the fabic of the world rips down the seam.

st valentine

So today I got a rose. It wasn't from the right person....

I don't particually feel any worse today. I just feel as badly as I did yesterday and as I will tomorrow. I sent a valentines type of present to him last week. The Velveteen Rabbit. I loved him so much that I loved all the fur off him. And he loved me and so I became real.... even if he does't recognise me anymore.

I got an email from the boy yesterday.

Hey Ro. Hope things are well - It's still trying to decide if it wants to snow or not here... So i got a parcel that i can only presume was from you (you being the only person i know in Santa Cruz), and thought i'd say thankyou. I kind of hope that this (along with one solitary facebook poke) is an indication that you would like to be friends, even if i am a bit of a wanker... Is there a reason you didn't reply to my last email? Because i'd really like to hear from you... What's the weather like in California this time of year? Well. cya around

Not quite what i was hoping for. In fact, it upset me a lot. But then something good happened. I got an email from a friend that ran something along the lines of this:

this Valentines day, when i see all the red hearts and hear about all that romance, I must remember that the first romancer of my soul truly is Jesus and that He is all i need. I know it can sound trite when you are sick of being alone, wishing you had someone and can’t stand seeing all those couples all over the place, but lets push past that and trust that God really is enough, single or not!! I am not the best at remembering this, but today, i will CHOOSE to believe God when he says "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end-- Because I am GOD, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you!” Isaiah 43:1b-4

Oh man. How i needed that.

in reality

Last night I saw my first dose of TV in some time. I happened to call into the apartment downstairs and, while chatting, started to watch some junk MTV programme, since in this appartment the TV seems to always be grumbling in the background. To be honest, I don't think I've seen such a bad programme. There was a show called Parental Control. The basic premise runs something like this: Boy's parents don't like Boy's Girlfriend. They all agree to come onto the show. Both parents pick out a model of "ideal girlfriend" and then Boy goes on dates with these two women. While being filmed. Which is then watched by Parents and Girlfriend. After a couple of dates, Boy arrives home and has to face Girls and Girlfriend. He eliminates two of these women. In the particular programme, the Boy went on a date with a "player" and ended up going to a stip club with the date, and then kissing her - as the Girlfriend sat on the sofa sobbing and his parents made catty remarks. He then chose stripper girl and Girlfriend left the house broken. Well done MTV, another happy couple.

I guess I was just thinking about how different my ideas about these things are. How can you just treat someone like that? How can you just "try out" someone else? Love is hardly a test drive, with no obligations, a free warranty and six months interest-free credit. Who decideds to end a relationship on national TV? Where is the sense of trust, committment and honour in this?

If my parents ever got involved with a relationship I'd be so mad. But that's the point. They don't. They are of the attitude that I'm "old enough and ugly enough to work it out". They aknowledge that it is my life. Sure, they might have an opinion, and if they are asked for it, they will give it.

I guess I'm pretty clear that I'm not going to find a guy on MTV. But unlike the people on that show, I also know that when I get into a relationship it has to be aiming somewhere. If there's no chance of getting married, then it's over. I'm in it for the long haul. I don't think you can test drive other people "just to make sure he's the one". He is or he isn't, and deep down you know that - you just have to be honest with yourself.

wish

I just want him back so very badly.

"preach it sister..."

In the last couple of days, I've found myself in situations where I'm suddenly being asked for relationship advice. New relationships, old relationships, secret crushes - they've all come my way. Oh the irony, I'm the last person I'd take advice from at the moment. But I think that's the point. I need to take some of the advice I am so merrily dishing out. I need to trust what I am saying to others wholeheartedly. Whether it is as big as aknowledging that God is control and I am not God, or as small as following my own advice and removing the poke that was allowing me to see (and obsess over) Matthew's facebook profile, I need to heed what I am hearing in my own heart. I'm looking for someone to give me the answers to the issues I face, when in reality, deep down, I know what God needs me to do. I just have to get right on it.

There are a couple things that I was really hit with today. One was that boyfriends/ girlfriends are a gift. Matthew belongs to God. I need to treat him like that.

The other was that each of these people who have sought advice need prayer. I need to get better on this one.

saturday

I've just sat around all afternoon. I was realising just how much of my life is ingrained in the last four years (six if you count the time we were best friends too). Everything reminds me of him. I can't stop thinking about him because the person that I am, that I am wired to be, that I have lived as for the last four years has thought about him all that time. The person I have been for the last four years was so shaped by who he was. The person that I have been for the last four years has been my most likeable, stable, happy self that I have ever been. Quite frankly, I don't want to return to the person I was before I was with him. I don't want to stop being me. But me is so ingrained in who he is. Me loves him. How can I give up me? But how can me exist without him?

I'm not stupid. I know that the scars that are being scored into my soul will stay here forever. Even if he turned up tomorrow professing his undying love, I don't think everything would be fine. The betrayal and pain and lack of trust has just been so great. It's fragmenting me.

It took so long to learn to trust him. I don't think he ever realised how hard it was for me.

once...

I was loved. But he Doesn't Love Me Anymore.

Just like that.

empty

I just can't stop. I feel like so much of myself has gone. So much of me was tied up in him. Why? Because I love him. Truely, absoultely, wonderfully, gently, fearfully and simply love him. And I'm breaking up and fragmenting inside. I know I shouldn't still feel like this. I should be getting over him. I should be ok. I wish he would just leave my head. The way I feel now is not new. People are getting less and less sympathetic towards me with everyday that passes. But I think about him so much and I feel like I should stop talking, because I want to talk about him. I want to think about him all the time but it hurts so badly. Everything reminds me of him. And all I want to do is call him up and hear his voice. I want him to whisper that he loves me. I want to smile like I used to whenever I think about him, rather than being so sad.

What happens to feelings? When he loved me, my feelings went somewhere. Where do they go now? They feel like they are just coming back to me, as if being "returned to sender" and there's nothing quite like recieving your own feelings back when they are meant for someone else.

Loving him was so easy. It was telling him that was the hard part.

I shouldn't still be crying myself to sleep. But I've cried myself to sleep every night for the 163 nights it has been since he got on that plane. And he never knew. People tell me I'll feel better with time. With every day that passes I just feel worse. If this is how it has to be, I just want to stop feeling.

I just hope is that he is happy, wherever he is right now.

wasted?

I had a realisation last night. All I want to do is go home. I just wish this year was over, or that it had never happened.... But then I think what I have learned about God this year, and suddenly, although I might be in the desert, I realised that He never leaves me.

Doesn't stop me missing home though.