Saturday, February 04, 2006

saturday

I've just sat around all afternoon. I was realising just how much of my life is ingrained in the last four years (six if you count the time we were best friends too). Everything reminds me of him. I can't stop thinking about him because the person that I am, that I am wired to be, that I have lived as for the last four years has thought about him all that time. The person I have been for the last four years was so shaped by who he was. The person that I have been for the last four years has been my most likeable, stable, happy self that I have ever been. Quite frankly, I don't want to return to the person I was before I was with him. I don't want to stop being me. But me is so ingrained in who he is. Me loves him. How can I give up me? But how can me exist without him?

I'm not stupid. I know that the scars that are being scored into my soul will stay here forever. Even if he turned up tomorrow professing his undying love, I don't think everything would be fine. The betrayal and pain and lack of trust has just been so great. It's fragmenting me.

It took so long to learn to trust him. I don't think he ever realised how hard it was for me.

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