september

Man, I haven't been here for some time.

i wish....

...I could do this:

July

July has been an interesting month. I've run around with Amber, traveling around Europe, to give her a flavour of this place - while, at the same time, refreshing my own memory of my real home.

It doesn't feel like home. Although I'm living with my parents again, their move to a new house has really changed how I feel about coming back. For the first time in my life, it's not my house anymore, but my parent's house - somewhere that, while I am welcome here, I still feel like a guest.

I think I underestimated how hard it was going to be, moving in with my family again. My parents are easy going and easy to live with, especially more so than most people's, but it is still hard breaking out from the parent and child relationship. My sister has never been easy to get on with, and since I have been back we have prooked each other a lot. If I am honest, it has been nice living away from them all and having my own space this year. I don't think any of us were ready for the changes that have happened.

I think I just need to make sure I get out lots!

last night in santa cruz

It's hot and sticky. It's been manic, trying to say goodbye to everyone and pack everything in - something I'm really going to miss.

I've changed a lot this year. I've made some good friends and tried some new things.

But I've been broken in half and I'm not me anymore.

i'm packing

I'm packing my life into suitcases. It makes me think about what's happened to me this year - the changes in stuff that I'm packing from last year to this. Disposing of whole pieces of my possessions, I wonder what people will remember about me.

one more week

One more week in California. Wow. A year goes by so fast yet so slowly. I look at all the things that have happened this year and I think about how much I've changed and I wonder how I have made it through. The last four months have passed in a blur - I think that's been part of the meds I am on at the moment!

Summer has begun and the sun is guaranteed. Thanks to getting burnt rafting, I know am a very un-English brown. Last night was the ILC farewell dinner - a chance to get dressed up but also to say goodbye. This last week will be absorbed in doing my final paper, packing up my room, cleaning and laundry and saying goodbye to some very dear friends.

dreaming of you

My sleep has always been my refuge. It was the place I could escape from my thoughts and I could be free - going to bed has always been the favourite part of my day recently. I could switch off and turn away from my life.

I was struggling with sleep. Sometimes it just won't happen, and my mind just keeps going. My docotor has given me sleeping pills, which I think are probably the best invention ever. For during those nights of endless waking, I drive myself into a point where everything seems turned upside down.

However, I now have a problem. My waking thoughts have started to intrude on my refuge, and now where I go, my thoughts follow. They are so vivid and so real I have trouble believing that they did not happen. He's there a lot of the time. I know they are dreams, but the feelings I have during the dreams intrude into my waking thoughts, and suddenly a new reality is created around the people and places in my dreams . Even if the events never happened, the feelings are still there and I have to fight them.